"until now"
So I have failed miserably at keeping up with my blog since coming home from Peru. Partly because I have been very busy. Partly because I haven't known what to write or what's worthy or okay to write. I say this because I have had a lot of thoughts and things running through my mind, which you all know to be fairly typical and normal for me. But a lot of it hasn't been positive or optimistic or full of joy or exciting. And so I have refrained from writing. Until now.
I am tired. I am tired due to a variety of things. But tonight it's one thing in particular. Tonight it's living apart from my love, my fiance. I am tired of being a long day's drive away from him. I am tired of being so concerned about the cost of driving and am already cutting out or rearranging weekends we had set aside for us to visit and be together at home or on campus. I am tired of not being able to live life every day with him. I say this because for the last 4 years we have been living life together on campus. And for the last 15+ months we have been living that life as a couple. But then Peru took me away for 6 months. Idaho took him away for 6 months. And now his final semester on campus and my living/working at home has yet again separated us. It's so hard. People talk about doing long distance relationships and doing it that way for years. I can honestly say that I would never wish that on anyone. Yes, Spence and I had it relatively easy for the 6 months we were a continent apart. But it was still extremely hard. We may not have fought or had major issues. But there was a massive piece of both of us missing and it was one of the biggest factors playing into my homesickness. I also would never be okay with a long engagement. For most of my friends, long engagements were the way to go. But for me and Spence, there is no way I could do it. I would go crazy. I already am and our engagement was/is less than 5 months. I just couldn't do it.
I guess that is all to say that I am tired of living away from my future husband. I know that that's the way it's supposed to be. But it's not enjoyable and it's hard. It really irritates me and wears me down (and what's even worse/more pathetic... I just got back from spending the week on campus with him). It's hard to do the back and forth, constant saying goodbye, not sure of when the next visit will be thing. It also makes me worry about how my attitudes and actions are perceived and understood at home by my co-workers and most importantly by my family.
You can call me pathetic. I already have. But I can't deny what I think and feel about all of this as I wait to be married and to start my new life with my best friend. And please don't think that I am unhappy being at home. I love spending time with my family. I love living at home and sleeping in my own room. I love getting to spend time goofing off and beating up on my little brother and sister. I love being able to have talks with my parents and to help my mom cook on Sundays. I love seeing my grandma at church. I love being home. Please, don't think that I don't. I just am at the point in my life where I am ready to live life with Spence. To not live away from him. To not have to rely on text messaging and emails to communicate with him on plans, church interviews, budgets, etc. I am ready to take the next step in the adventure GOD is leading me on which is marriage. I am ready for June 2nd to arrive so that I can walk down the aisle to my best friend and become his wife.
SO there you have it. That's what I am tired of. That's what I have been hesitant to write about. That's what has been weighing heavily on my heart lately (today especially). I'll write again tomorrow about the joyful things I have been thinking about. I promise.
I am tired. I am tired due to a variety of things. But tonight it's one thing in particular. Tonight it's living apart from my love, my fiance. I am tired of being a long day's drive away from him. I am tired of being so concerned about the cost of driving and am already cutting out or rearranging weekends we had set aside for us to visit and be together at home or on campus. I am tired of not being able to live life every day with him. I say this because for the last 4 years we have been living life together on campus. And for the last 15+ months we have been living that life as a couple. But then Peru took me away for 6 months. Idaho took him away for 6 months. And now his final semester on campus and my living/working at home has yet again separated us. It's so hard. People talk about doing long distance relationships and doing it that way for years. I can honestly say that I would never wish that on anyone. Yes, Spence and I had it relatively easy for the 6 months we were a continent apart. But it was still extremely hard. We may not have fought or had major issues. But there was a massive piece of both of us missing and it was one of the biggest factors playing into my homesickness. I also would never be okay with a long engagement. For most of my friends, long engagements were the way to go. But for me and Spence, there is no way I could do it. I would go crazy. I already am and our engagement was/is less than 5 months. I just couldn't do it.
I guess that is all to say that I am tired of living away from my future husband. I know that that's the way it's supposed to be. But it's not enjoyable and it's hard. It really irritates me and wears me down (and what's even worse/more pathetic... I just got back from spending the week on campus with him). It's hard to do the back and forth, constant saying goodbye, not sure of when the next visit will be thing. It also makes me worry about how my attitudes and actions are perceived and understood at home by my co-workers and most importantly by my family.
You can call me pathetic. I already have. But I can't deny what I think and feel about all of this as I wait to be married and to start my new life with my best friend. And please don't think that I am unhappy being at home. I love spending time with my family. I love living at home and sleeping in my own room. I love getting to spend time goofing off and beating up on my little brother and sister. I love being able to have talks with my parents and to help my mom cook on Sundays. I love seeing my grandma at church. I love being home. Please, don't think that I don't. I just am at the point in my life where I am ready to live life with Spence. To not live away from him. To not have to rely on text messaging and emails to communicate with him on plans, church interviews, budgets, etc. I am ready to take the next step in the adventure GOD is leading me on which is marriage. I am ready for June 2nd to arrive so that I can walk down the aisle to my best friend and become his wife.
SO there you have it. That's what I am tired of. That's what I have been hesitant to write about. That's what has been weighing heavily on my heart lately (today especially). I'll write again tomorrow about the joyful things I have been thinking about. I promise.
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