Student loans scare me...

I am well on my way to the life of an adult. I have graduated and have my diploma in my possession. I am engaged and planning a wedding for June 2nd. I am working roughly 30 hours a week and paying bills. And I just finished my loan exit counseling. I have a large amount of loans for school and it is very overwhelming to say the least. It is hard to look at that number and think about how much I worked to earn scholarships and pay my way through school, but yet still had to go into a great deal of debt so that I could finish. It makes me frustrated to say the least because I know how hard I worked (and my parents... thanks to them I had a working car at college) and yet, it still wasn't quite enough. It makes me frustrated because I know how many scholarships I applied for before even going to school and was not eligible for because of being white, Christian, from a family not destroyed by divorce, home-schooled, believing that marriage is between one man and one woman, as well as having parents who worked at good jobs (but again had a big family so college wasn't feasible). I know how frustrated I was when I would spend hours going through the scholarship websites hoping to just find something that applied to me that I could hope to get. I also know how frustrated I was knowing that some people got/get a ton of scholarship aid just to throw it away on partying and a good time. While others, like me and many of my friends at school, had to work lots of jobs and stay up late afterwards to do homework just so that we could stay in school. It is hard for me to not get angry with our government and Department of Education because of these things. It is hard for me to listen to the President talk about putting education on a higher standard but yet not helping lower the cost or give more aid to those who need it/deserve it. It is hard for me to not roll my eyes when I hear people talk about having to give up hours at work or not having enough time or money because they go bowling because they have to pay for school (when in reality, they aren't the ones paying the school bills). It's just hard for me because I know how much I pushed myself to get top grades to earn scholarships, as well as work multiple jobs to meet the monthly payment needed for school. It's hard to be a student. And now it's hitting me even harder as I have $19,000 in student loans staring me in the face.

I have wrestled with my feelings on being an adult for the last couple of years. But it's really hitting me hard now. I have written before about how I am scared. I am terrified. But I know it's a part of life. I know that it's a part of the adventure GOD leads us on. And even though it's not fun, it's scary and hard... I know that it is what awaits me. It's what I am facing now.

But I can't even tell you with words how grateful I am for my family and my fiance as I face all of this. My family is one that taught me how to manage money, how to make a budget, how to pay bills, how to save, how to plan. And my fiance is also very good at those things. He is encouraging to me and reminds me that we will get my loans cut down and paid off as quickly as we can. He reminds me that thankfully he doesn't have loans and so we won't be drowning too deep in loan payments. And he and my family remind me of what the point was for all the work, studying, and loans. Which makes me breathe a little bit easier about it.

It is tough stuff being a college student/adult. It is tough to know how to manage thoughts and emotions when staring at the computer screen that says you owe the government X amount of dollars for an education you personally worked so hard and paid so much for. It is tough to take the next step towards being an adult. And I am still not sure if I'm ready for it all to fully hit me. To fully enter into that world. But I know that it's coming. I can already see it.