Yo tengo miedo...
Yo tengo miedo. Yo tengo miedo y no quiero hablar en español. Yo tengo miedo y no quiero tratar más.
I am afraid. I am afraid and don't want to speak in Spanish. I am afraid and don't want to try anymore.
I have learned to say the above because people have asked why I am so nervous to talk or why I always seem so quiet. I struggle a lot with the language. My homesickness has gotten better. And now the Spanish language is my biggest struggle. I know that I won't learn to speak Spanish perfectly by the time I leave in December. But it is so hard for me to go through my days barely talking at all because I simply can't and I am afraid to try anymore. I get so frustrated that I just shut down and sit quietly to the side.
I got really frustrated the other day when I was with two of our team members in Buenas Aires. We were meeting with some ladies and going through one of our discipleship programs with them. Kiki (pronounced Key-kay) was the one talking and as he taught he asked questions. Which is perfectly fine. But it got frustrating when he asked questions for me to answer. It was frustrating because I wasn't entirely sure of what he was saying (because he is really hard to understand) and had no idea what to say in response. After awhile he just rolled his eyes and stopped asking me questions. I was embarrassed and didn't know what else to do.
I try not to get frustrated. And most days I can get by. But there are those moments where I just hit my breaking point and can't take much more of it. It's so hard and frustrating. Some days I feel as though I am deaf and mute. And other days I feel like I can get by and do alright. It's just hard.
Today in church we sang a song called No Me Soltaras (I forget what it's called in Spanish... it's the Never Let Go song). It talks about how God never lets me go, in the calm, in the storm, in the high, in the low. It's the one song that I have really learned in Spanish. And it's becoming a favorite. It helps me hold onto tighter to the God who holds onto me when I am so frustrated and invisible that I feel like nothing can help. It helps me when I feel like I can't listen to any more Spanish without my head exploding. And it helps me remind me that God is so much bigger than my frustration with Spanish and not being able to communicate.
I am afraid. I am afraid and don't want to speak in Spanish. I am afraid and don't want to try anymore.
I have learned to say the above because people have asked why I am so nervous to talk or why I always seem so quiet. I struggle a lot with the language. My homesickness has gotten better. And now the Spanish language is my biggest struggle. I know that I won't learn to speak Spanish perfectly by the time I leave in December. But it is so hard for me to go through my days barely talking at all because I simply can't and I am afraid to try anymore. I get so frustrated that I just shut down and sit quietly to the side.
I got really frustrated the other day when I was with two of our team members in Buenas Aires. We were meeting with some ladies and going through one of our discipleship programs with them. Kiki (pronounced Key-kay) was the one talking and as he taught he asked questions. Which is perfectly fine. But it got frustrating when he asked questions for me to answer. It was frustrating because I wasn't entirely sure of what he was saying (because he is really hard to understand) and had no idea what to say in response. After awhile he just rolled his eyes and stopped asking me questions. I was embarrassed and didn't know what else to do.
I try not to get frustrated. And most days I can get by. But there are those moments where I just hit my breaking point and can't take much more of it. It's so hard and frustrating. Some days I feel as though I am deaf and mute. And other days I feel like I can get by and do alright. It's just hard.
Today in church we sang a song called No Me Soltaras (I forget what it's called in Spanish... it's the Never Let Go song). It talks about how God never lets me go, in the calm, in the storm, in the high, in the low. It's the one song that I have really learned in Spanish. And it's becoming a favorite. It helps me hold onto tighter to the God who holds onto me when I am so frustrated and invisible that I feel like nothing can help. It helps me when I feel like I can't listen to any more Spanish without my head exploding. And it helps me remind me that God is so much bigger than my frustration with Spanish and not being able to communicate.
"No, no, no me soltaras... en la calm o la tormenta. No, no, no me soltaras... en lo alto en lo bajo. No, no, no me soltaras... Dios tu nunca me dejaras."
:) This brings back sooooo many memories!! Hang in there. I am sure you are picking up more than you even realize!! And my advice... find someone who you are comfortable with and want to talk to in Spanish. Talking with people who make fun or get easily frustrated will only frustrate you more! I did not speak to Sam in Portuguese for a LONG time because... well you know Sam :). But I really wanted to talk to a girl in our youth group there and she didn't speak English. She was very patient with me and there was a lot of hand motions and trying to explain things on both parts. BUT it was tremendously helpful and I think it was an essential part of me learning Portuguese. I don't know if you have anyone like that, but I'll pray that you can find someone!! And on days when you are overwhelmed and don't want to hear any more Spanish take a rest... listen to English music, read your books, etc... your mind needs a break at times. Love you Kiersten and just keep trying.
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