The good and bad of withdrawing...

"Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick... After he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone..." 

-Matthew 14:13-14, 23

I am steadily reading through the Bible in a year. I started on August 1 and am already almost done with Genesis and half way done with Matthew. I have always read my Bible, but it was always a bit random. I would read random passages at random times and with very little consistency (except when I was in Peru... with being so homesick and feeling lost in the culture, I read Scripture far more regularly than I ever had). But after attending CIY, getting to know the youth-group students and trying to encourage them in their own walks, I decided to download one of those lovely little Bible-reading iPhone apps and picked a plan that will help me read the Bible straight through in one year. So far, it has been pretty good. I have had a few days where I didn't read but there is always a day or two a week with no "assigned" reading for catching up on those missed days. So, it's been good and I am enjoying the time I am putting into it. I also decided when I started this plan that I wasn't going to mark up my Bible as much as I did last year while in Peru. For me it has become a distraction. I am still marking things, but I am not covering every clear inch with notes, thoughts, questions, etc... I am using my journal for that. All of that is also helping me enjoy it a bit more. 

Anyway with all that said... I read Matthew 14 this morning and was struck by the verses I wrote above. I have often heard preachers, professors, devotional books, and textbooks talk about the idea of Jesus withdrawing and His doing so being an example for us as we learn to draw near to GOD. If I remember right I have even written a few posts here on my blog in the past about it. But that's not what made me really think about it today. What made me think about these specific verses is the good versus the bad of withdrawing. Of being alone. And that is coming from my thoughts and emotions over the last few days which are all connected to trying to find a job and getting used to my new life. 

The good of withdrawing... There is a lot of good that can come from withdrawing and having time to oneself. It can be a time of refreshing quiet. Refreshing renewal. Focused worship. Focused meditation on Scripture. Focused times of prayer. It can be a time of sweet communion with GOD. And it can be a rewarding time of personal growth. 

The bad of withdrawing... It can become an excuse. It can become an obstacle. It can become a barrier. It can become too comfortable. 

And I feel like for me, withdrawing has become too comfortable. It's become an excuse. I have been so frustrated, so emotional and so lost the last few weeks with trying to find a job with seemingly no luck. I am just not use to having so much time just sitting around, reading, watching tv. And yes, I do clean my house, wash laundry and dishes which keeps me busy... for a little while. But a person can only clean a small house so much/often before there is nothing left to clean. But anyway... I have been going crazy and I feel bad for my husband because I can be joking and having fun one minute and then the next be super quiet, near tears and upset the next. It's been tough to get used to this whole new life we have. To living away from my family. Not having any friends nearby. Not having a job. Not really knowing what exactly my role or purpose is at church. It's been really tough. And I have been withdrawing. A lot. It's just my natural response. Ask my parents. I have always been the shy one. The one to prefer to hide away in her room than be out around people. The one to always withdraw. 

And I know that that's not necessarily a good thing. I know that it is keeping me from getting to really know some of the people at our new church. I know that it is keeping me from being fully invested in our new life here. And I know it's keeping me from really opening up to whatever GOD may have planned for me. That's what I thought about as I read about Jesus withdrawing and how sometimes withdrawing isn't always a good thing. I am not trying to be depressing or to make you think that I am super unhappy with life. I'm not. I love my life. I love being married to my best friend. I love having a house of my own. But it's hard and scary. And I know that that isn't a good excuse for my withdrawing and hiding away. It's just what I have been thinking about through my reading of the life of Jesus. 

And there you have it... some of the good and the bad of withdrawing.