Ho hum... the thoughts of a restless girl
School is back in full swing. I am not nearly as busy with homework and work as I was last semester, which is very strange and leaving me rather bored at times. I am taking 12 credit hours (4 in class... 1 independent) and am only working my on-campus office job. It's strange because I have alot more time to spend in the dorm or with people. But yet, I haven't. I've hidden away in the dorm or library, trying to keep busy, trying to stay distracted.
When I say that I am trying to stay distracted, I mean that I am trying to not let myself have too much down time. Because when I have alot of down time, I grow very emotional for some reason. I have talked to a couple of people about this. But have had a hard time explaining it. So, I am going to attempt to try it here, especially since things always make more sense for me when I write rather than when I speak.
The other day, I sat in my room and looked through pictures from my "second mom and dad's (Rob and Linda)" trip to Jamaica. It's known as "a vacation with a purpose" where for part of the week they work at an orphanage for kids with special needs and for part of the week they enjoy the sights and adventures of Jamaica. Looking through the pictures, I began to simply cry. Seeing my "other parents" so in love with God, those kids, serving, made me smile and cry with joy. Especially to look at my "dad" Rob. Rob is a man that my dad, family, Linda and small group spent a lot of time praying for and working with in order to help convince him of the greatness of being in a relationship with God. It took him a while. But he finally came around. And now, he takes us all by surprise. He is one of the most godly, loving men I know of. And to see him loving and serving in Jamaica was absolutely heartwarming.
As I continued to look at pictures and then spent time reading blog updates and looking at pictures of different friends who have all left for their internships (some in the States, some overseas), I began to cry even more. This time out of restlessness and eagerness. I realized that as much as I love being a part of the community here at Lincoln, I am very much ready to be done here. Very much ready to get out of here and get to Peru. Very much ready to begin the next chapter of my life. I have grown so very restless over the last couple of months. It is very hard for me to be here at school, studying, socializing... when all my heart wants is to be overseas, living, serving, learning. There are days when I simply go through my day so that I can go to bed and rest. There are days when I don't mind going to class and work. But this week has been one of the weeks where I do mind, where I don't want to go. And I know that a big part of that is simply the fact that I am a senior with a terrible case of senioritis. But an even bigger part is that I am restless.
I am trying so hard to not have a bad attitude or wish away time. But sometimes it's hard not to. Sometimes its hard to have a heart that desires to be in school. But I know that with the encouragement of my family and close friends, with the prayers of those in my life, and the faith that God will get me through whether it's fun and painless or full of "thorns."
I know this post wasn't a fun, upbeat, encouraging one like posts in the past have been. But the description of my blog at the top of the page says that this is where I share my heart. And the reality is that right now, this week, this is what is on my heart. But, it won't be this way forever. Thank goodness.
When I say that I am trying to stay distracted, I mean that I am trying to not let myself have too much down time. Because when I have alot of down time, I grow very emotional for some reason. I have talked to a couple of people about this. But have had a hard time explaining it. So, I am going to attempt to try it here, especially since things always make more sense for me when I write rather than when I speak.
The other day, I sat in my room and looked through pictures from my "second mom and dad's (Rob and Linda)" trip to Jamaica. It's known as "a vacation with a purpose" where for part of the week they work at an orphanage for kids with special needs and for part of the week they enjoy the sights and adventures of Jamaica. Looking through the pictures, I began to simply cry. Seeing my "other parents" so in love with God, those kids, serving, made me smile and cry with joy. Especially to look at my "dad" Rob. Rob is a man that my dad, family, Linda and small group spent a lot of time praying for and working with in order to help convince him of the greatness of being in a relationship with God. It took him a while. But he finally came around. And now, he takes us all by surprise. He is one of the most godly, loving men I know of. And to see him loving and serving in Jamaica was absolutely heartwarming.
As I continued to look at pictures and then spent time reading blog updates and looking at pictures of different friends who have all left for their internships (some in the States, some overseas), I began to cry even more. This time out of restlessness and eagerness. I realized that as much as I love being a part of the community here at Lincoln, I am very much ready to be done here. Very much ready to get out of here and get to Peru. Very much ready to begin the next chapter of my life. I have grown so very restless over the last couple of months. It is very hard for me to be here at school, studying, socializing... when all my heart wants is to be overseas, living, serving, learning. There are days when I simply go through my day so that I can go to bed and rest. There are days when I don't mind going to class and work. But this week has been one of the weeks where I do mind, where I don't want to go. And I know that a big part of that is simply the fact that I am a senior with a terrible case of senioritis. But an even bigger part is that I am restless.
I am trying so hard to not have a bad attitude or wish away time. But sometimes it's hard not to. Sometimes its hard to have a heart that desires to be in school. But I know that with the encouragement of my family and close friends, with the prayers of those in my life, and the faith that God will get me through whether it's fun and painless or full of "thorns."
I know this post wasn't a fun, upbeat, encouraging one like posts in the past have been. But the description of my blog at the top of the page says that this is where I share my heart. And the reality is that right now, this week, this is what is on my heart. But, it won't be this way forever. Thank goodness.
you inspire me, kiersten holley. even through your restlessness and heartache. love you.
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