Challenging thoughts... trying to beat the squeegee

I know what you're all thinking... "another post, Kiersten. Really?!?!" Well, yes. I just felt the need to write in order to process through what I am reading. I have decided that I want to write whenever something I read for my missions class challenges me or clicks in my head. That way it will stick better and the squeegee that my professor says is waiting outside of every classroom door won't get to my head and wipe it all out. So... here I go. Tonight I am reading The Great Omission by Dallas Willard. This is the second book by him that I have read and I am really beginning to get addicted to his writing. But that's beside the point. I am doing my reading for class tomorrow (chapters 6 and 7 if you decide to go pick up the book and give it a shot... which you really should) and something that he wrote really hit me hard. He wrote, "God is spirit, and He is looking for those who will worship Him in spirit. I believe that that means people who in the core of their being, beyond all appearance in the physical worlds by means of their body, want to stand clear and right before God. And they are people who wholly devote their innermost being -- the heart, will or human spirit -- to doing so (pg. 45-46)." Woah! Talk about a loaded thought. I read a few pages past that, but found my thoughts returning to that section. So, I went back, read it again and decided I needed to write. The part that struck me the most was when he said "want to stand clear and right before God." Isn't that every "Christian's" desire? Isn't that what everyone hopes to be able to do on the day the Jesus returns and the judges the earth? I know that's what I want. But I also know that God has no reason to see me in that way. I know that my sinful heart cannot stand up beside God right now and be clear and right before Him. I know that my sin is tainting me in the eyes of God. But I have hope. I have the hope that God sees me through Christ and therefore, I am made pure and right before Him. But is that conditional? Is that something that is diminished whenever I sin? Whenever I doubt? Whenever I turn away from God? "Want to stand clear and right before God." I want that so badly. I want that to be what defines me. I want that to be what God sees when He looks at me. I want to be a person who is wholly devoted to making that happen. But I am intimidated by the thought of failing or not knowing where to begin. I need that desire to be lit inside of me and to be fanned into a strong fire. And I realize that only God can do that... But He can and will only do that if I allow and truly, strongly desire Him to. Okay. Well I think I am done... for now anyway. Back to my book and my thoughts running at a million miles an hour.