Not the funnest paper I've written...
I am in a class called "Crisis Intervention" this semester. It's counting as one of my focus hours and so far has been really interesting. I have learned a lot and am extremely intrigued by the idea of how that can be used in the Church and cross-culturally. But my first written assignment for that class has not been a fun one. I just finished it and am sitting in tears (quite a common theme lately as I write...hmm) as I reflect and re-read what I wrote. This paper is about our personal grief timelines. We had to create a timeline of experiences in which we experienced great loss and grief. I made mine and realized I don't have a lot. But as I thought harder and harder I realized I do actually have quite a few things in my life that affected me deeply. As I graphed my losses I saw that in a period of about 8 years I experienced some form of loss 7 or 8 times. Quite a few of those experiences within about 4 years. That was tough to recognize and took me by surprise. After creating the timeline, I had to pick the three that I thought were most significant and write about them. I chose:
1. my family moving in 1999
2. my Uncle Dan dying in 2001
3. my moving to college in 2007
All of them were big events in my life and made me face loss and grief in a variety of ways. As I wrote about my family move and my uncle's death, I realized that one of the biggest emotions I felt in those times was anger. Not anger with my family or myself or my uncle or the church. But anger with God. I realized that I blamed Him for those things happening in my life. I was angry with Him for making my dad get a new job and for killing my Uncle when he was so young and had so much left to give to the world. I was angry with Him and grew to hate being the daughter of a preacher (whereas before, in Racine, I enjoyed it). I then realized that the second strongest feeling I had at those times was loneliness. I felt as though I was all on my own, despite having my family there with me the whole time. I realized that after moving in 1999, I became even more cut off from people and shy than I was before (which was quite a bit). I was afraid of people. I was afraid of meeting new people or getting too close to someone for fear that I would lose them too, whether to death or to moving. For a 10-12 year old, that's tough stuff to deal with. And even now, I see how those feelings, emotions, experiences have shaped me and molded me into who I am now. I see that I love my solitude. I hate meeting new people. And I am always afraid of getting too close to someone. But yet, through college, I have begun to break out of that shell. There are days when I am shocked that I know as many people as I do or that I am so comfortable talking to prospective students. But when it comes deep down to it, in my heart, I feel alone. I feel distant. And more often than not, I am okay with that. I prefer it that way.
This paper has brought a lot out of me, not just from my heart and my head to get words on paper, but from my past to face me now. I am overwhelmed to say the least and not excited about turning in this super personal and emotional paper in tomorrow. But I suppose that's a part of the life of a college student -- you don't get to choose what you turn in and what you dont.
1. my family moving in 1999
2. my Uncle Dan dying in 2001
3. my moving to college in 2007
All of them were big events in my life and made me face loss and grief in a variety of ways. As I wrote about my family move and my uncle's death, I realized that one of the biggest emotions I felt in those times was anger. Not anger with my family or myself or my uncle or the church. But anger with God. I realized that I blamed Him for those things happening in my life. I was angry with Him for making my dad get a new job and for killing my Uncle when he was so young and had so much left to give to the world. I was angry with Him and grew to hate being the daughter of a preacher (whereas before, in Racine, I enjoyed it). I then realized that the second strongest feeling I had at those times was loneliness. I felt as though I was all on my own, despite having my family there with me the whole time. I realized that after moving in 1999, I became even more cut off from people and shy than I was before (which was quite a bit). I was afraid of people. I was afraid of meeting new people or getting too close to someone for fear that I would lose them too, whether to death or to moving. For a 10-12 year old, that's tough stuff to deal with. And even now, I see how those feelings, emotions, experiences have shaped me and molded me into who I am now. I see that I love my solitude. I hate meeting new people. And I am always afraid of getting too close to someone. But yet, through college, I have begun to break out of that shell. There are days when I am shocked that I know as many people as I do or that I am so comfortable talking to prospective students. But when it comes deep down to it, in my heart, I feel alone. I feel distant. And more often than not, I am okay with that. I prefer it that way.
This paper has brought a lot out of me, not just from my heart and my head to get words on paper, but from my past to face me now. I am overwhelmed to say the least and not excited about turning in this super personal and emotional paper in tomorrow. But I suppose that's a part of the life of a college student -- you don't get to choose what you turn in and what you dont.
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