an open and honest look at my heart

The last few days, or really the last few months, my heart has been heavy with a variety of things. In the midst of frustrations in ministry, burdens and hurts of others, ugliness of my own personal sin, feeling like something is missing or wanting to write and dream but being scared to... my heart has been heavy.

I cannot describe the feeling. It's like a weight has been dropped on my heart and no matter how hard I try it won't budge. It feels like I've collapsed under the weight of the bench press or dead lifts that my 17 year old brother does for football. It feels like a millstone has been tied around my heart and dragged me down to the dark deeps of my fear, frustration, hurt and sin. It feels like no matter how much I wiggle or squirm I will never be able to get out from under this weight. 

But this morning that feeling is beginning to dissipate. The weight is beginning to lighten.

I spent part of my weekend (February 6-8) watching some of the live-stream sessions of the 2015 If:Gathering. It's a conference put on by the Christian organization IF:Equip (check out: ifequip.com for more information). It's an organization by women for women who are seeking and walking this journey of faith, for women who want to know God and to give God away. 

They had some powerhouse women speaking this weekend. Women who just boil over with the active, living Spirit of Yahweh God. Women like Jen Hatmaker, Jennie Allen, Angie Smith, Shelley Giglio and Ann Voskamp just to name a few. 

I was able to watch 1.5 of the 4 sessions and I ended up pre-ordering the digital downloads (thanks to My Love!) so that I could finish the rest and go back through them more slowly. And I am so looking forward to that. 

In the midst of incredible, heart-felt worship music and encouraging, challenging speaking, GOD showed up at IF:Gathering, not just in Austin or the IF:Local sites, but in my 2 bedroom apartment where I sat curled up in the couch under a blanket with my Bible, journal and pen. And while He didn't audibly speak to me, He did speak and He did remind me that He has everything under control. 

I struggle with my faith. I struggle with my doubt and my fear. I struggle with knowing and believing that GOD actually does see, hear or care about me. I struggle with comparing myself, my faith, my life to those of my sisters, my friends and even to women like Jen, Jennie, Angie, Shelley and Ann. I struggle with sin. I struggle with bad attitudes and holding back forgiveness. I struggle with complaining and being selfish. I struggle with being the woman He desires me to be and living the way He wants me to live. 

But despite all of that I was reminded this weekend that that doesn't mean He has abandoned me. I was reminded that I don't have to make my life look like the lives of other women and that I am no less of a believer or woman because I don't. I was reminded that the struggle for faith is a battle that I have to engage in every day. I was reminded that no matter what I am dealing with, afraid of, frustrated by or upset about... "my GOD is still good. HE is more than capable. HE is higher than everything. And HE is trustworthy with everything." (Jen Hatmaker)
I don't have to look like the powerhouse women I admire and look up to. I don't have to speak or write the way my sisters do. I don't have to feel like a millstone has been wrapped around my neck, dragging me down to the dark deeps. 

I just have to let GOD take it. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus. I have to yield to GOD's pruning of my life. I have to live in the fullness of my identity as a daughter of the King. I have to stop asking if I am good enough, if I'm going to be safe and what it's going to cost me. "I have to change the story and actually live like my GOD is real." (Jennie Allen)

To do all of that I have to be intentional. Which according to Mr. Webster means to do something by intention or design (I hate when they use the word to define the word... seriously!). Intentional is doing something on purpose; determination to act in a certain way.

And so I am going to spend 2015 (yes I know one month has already disappeared) living intentionally. I am going to live my life this year in a certain way, with a specific design, and on purpose. I don't entirely know how that is going to look. I have some ideas that I will share some time. But all I know is that the weight my heart has been carrying lately is lightening after this weekend of letting GOD speak. And I am not about to let it get weighed down like that again if I can help it. 

So here's to the year of living intentional.