Ready to be done --

I am 10 days away from getting married. And I really, truly am excited. I can't wait to marry my best friend and to live our life together. I can't wait to move into our house and really make it our home. I can't wait to serve beside him in ministry. I can't wait to cook dinners and have movie nights with him. I can't wait to spend days in St. Louis exploring the city or having time together with no worries. I can't wait to travel with him and the youth group as I get to watch him work and serve to shape the lives and faith of the young Church. I can't wait to come home from work and have him there every day. I am excited to marry Spence in 10 days.

But I am so ready to be done. I am ready for the details and the planning to be finished. I am ready for the sleepless nights and constant thoughts to be done. I am ready for the phone calls and messages to end. I am ready for the bills and the payments to disappear. I am ready for the distance and the goodbyes to be no more for Spence and I . I am ready for life to slow down and stop changing. I am ready to be done.

Over the last few weeks, my desire for everything big that is changing in my life to just be done has grown stronger and stronger. So far I am about half way through. I graduated. I moved most of my things to the new house. Now, I just need to get married and finish the move. I hate change of any size. But the things right now are all big changes. And I am so ready for them to be done and in the past.

I am trying to remind myself to find joy in the changes. To enjoy the details and the last few days before my wedding. To enjoy family time. To enjoy cheering loudly at my brother's bike races or baseball games. To enjoy movie nights with my sisters or long talks with my parents. To take advantage of time with friends. To go get an iced tea and sit out in the sun for the fun of it. To take time to relax and breathe and pamper myself. To take time to rest and dream about the future. But I can't lie and say that I am. I am just so frustrated, stressed, scared and worried that I am not enjoying any of those things. I just find myself getting irritated by the details. Scared of the changes. Annoyed by people. And needing more than ever to escape to the pages of a book or the silence of my room.

I just keep thinking about changes in the Bible as I think about my upcoming life changes. Especially since I have had some people tell me to just relax and have faith like Abraham, Rebekah, Mary and others. Well, let me just say that when I start thinking about those Biblical characters and the changes they faced, I get even more discouraged. People tell me to just have faith like them. But don't you think that Abraham would have been freaking out just a little bit when God told him to just pack up and start walking? And don't you think Rebekah would have been more than a little nervous when she found herself traveling away from home to marry someone she had never met (obviously it's a little different for her since she didn't know Isaac and I do know Spence)? And what about Mary... don't you think she would have been a little stressed out in planning a wedding and a life with Joseph (not even to mention the fact that she then found out she was carrying the Son of God... and NO THERE WILL BE NO BABIES FOR ME FOR A LOOOONG TIME!!!!!!)? I know that the people I have talked to have told me to look for strength in the Scriptures and the examples of life there. And they mean it all in love and true confidence in faith. But sometimes I think people forget that the Biblical characters were human too. They had emotions just like we do. They felt and understood fear, stress, worry, etc. So for someone like me... It doesn't really help to be told to find strength and encouragement from them. At times it does. But right now... it doesn't. I just get more frustrated or upset because I feel like it's never going to end or that I can't get control over it.

So anyway. Now that my little rant over Biblical characters being human too is over along with my desire to just have everything done... I guess I will just say once again that I truly am excited to marry Spence next week. I am just ready for everything else surrounding our marriage to be over and done with. And in 10 days... it will be. And then it'll be just me and My Love forever.