"Bring the Rain"

I have felt very defeated and beat up this week. I sat and cried on my break at work yesterday. I have had many sleepless nights this week. I have wanted to punch a wall or walk out of work. I have wanted to yell at anyone who crossed me. I have wanted to hide away and just forget about everything. I have found myself counting down the days til I get to go on my honeymoon with my love because then we get to spend a whole week together not worrying about bills or schoolwork or work hours or loan payments or people. But alas, I know that life doesn't work that way, that I have to wait 11 more weeks and that things would just get worse if I acted on those thoughts. So, I have bottled it all up. Pasted a smile on my face at work. And barely gotten through the days this week. I won't tell you all the things going on because there is no reason too. But let's just say I am done. I can't take any more. And I am at my breaking point. 

I am going to Lincoln this weekend to spend a few days with my love. And I am so very ready for it. He always helps me feel better or talk through things so that I don't explode. He always holds me when I am shaking with tears or feeling the need to punch something. He always knows when to say something and when to just let me vent. And he always has the strength and words to pray when I don't. I am ready for a few days with him and away from the stresses of life that are literally pushing me down and weighing so heavy on my chest (not to mention making me sick to my stomach again).

I am trying so hard to keep myself together. To remind myself that I can't let people get me so angry and riled up that I explode into tears or immediately want to escape and quit everything. I am trying so hard to remind myself that there is Someone so much bigger than anything I could possibly face and that He can carry everything that I can't. To remind myself that He is inviting me to Him because He can give me rest and peace. I am trying so hard to remind myself that nothing I face this week or at this point in life is so bad that it's worth damaging relationships or compromising my witness as a Christian. I am trying to remind myself that there are millions and billions of other people in the world facing far worse things than I am this week. 

But let me tell you... It is so hard. It is so hard emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It is so hard to control one's tongue and temper. It is so hard to want to be nice and loving and courteous towards people who just drive you crazy. It is so hard to want to go to work or be around people when life just sucks and you need a break. It is just so hard. 

I am not trying to complain or throw myself a pity party. I am not trying to say "woe is me" and have people feel bad for me. I am not trying to make excuses. I am simply writing out my frustration. I am simply writing out my emotions so as to prevent my exploding. I am simply trying to work out this part of life that I am wrestling with. 

And as I have been writing, the MercyMe song Bring the Rain has played twice. The lyrics are below. They are words that I pray and desire to become a reality and a testimony of my life. A song that speaks to how I am trying to not get so defeated that I actually do give up. Or that I actually do just let myself explode, not caring about the consequences. A song that testifies to how I turn to the One who is bigger than all that I face.

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I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty 

(music and lyrics by MercyMe)